Hi.

I'm feeling kind of "not well" in my head the last few days (again...) and I was wondering if we could share stories.

About 1.5 year ago they told me I had a severe depression paired with borderline syndrom. It's better now but sometimes i fall back in old habits and I get so messed up.

If you need somebody to talk to im here! With myself personally, i usually can start to tell when im starting to slip back into a slight depression black hole mood. So ill tell my boyfriend when i feel it coming bc i dont want him to think im ignoring him. But its almost like i need it, if that makes sense. Its like my body needs some time to wind down and not to talk to anybody and just do me for awhile, sometimes its a few days sometimes its longer, it just depends. Ive been on medication now for freaking years, and it def helps keep the black hole at bay but ive come to accept that its just me.

Hi! Thanks for your message! I do feel the same, as much as I love him and he completes me, I need that sad alone time with my headphones on. Turning my back to the world and everyone I love. It's a good idea to tell him like you do, but I'm scared he will give me even more attention and keeps talking about why I feel bad. We have a very open relationship though. We talk about all our feelings, what iriitates us about each other etc. to create a balance and to releave things. But I feel like this sadness is -my- thing and no one should come inside that dark bubble. If you understand what I mean.

He often thinks I'm mad at him but I'm just mad at myself and it drags me even more down when he asks me if i still love him. I had a problem with selfharm, not that I ever tried to cut over my wrists. But the physical pain was a huge releave for me at critical moments like I had last night. He made me promise I would stop it. I broke that promise once and he was so angry with me that I got scared he would leave me for it. But I still feel the need to. I now have "Alpraz" for those moments, a sort of Xanax.

I still think I will be able to live without my medications, but somewhere deep down I know it's for life. And it makes me wanting to exit this body, this head, this heart at times.

I had boyfriends in the past that were helpers, and just wanted to help me, and didnt understand that i really couldnt be helped and that was okay. This one i think understands it because he gets like that too, we talked about it all in the beginning and just decided that whenever one of us needed some alone time to just tell the other so we didnt freak thinking that the other wanted to break up etc.

I totally understand that your sadness is yours, and that sometimes other people trying to help just makes things worse. I understand why he got mad though, its hard for people who havent experienced depression/anxiety/etc to relate, he probably thinks that you lied to him and did it to hurt him, when thats not the case at all.

And i promise taking the meds arent too bad, though i say that and it took me probably 10 years to learn that the hard way. I have been on almost every anti-depressant there is, because i would stop them and start them off and on, because i thought i didnt need them, and it was almost like each time i did that, it got worse and worse. I took cymbalta and that helped me so much with the depression and my mood but also with backpain during that time of the month (dont ask why it just did lol) but i stopped taking it, then when i tried to start back it made me so sick, so i had to switch to another one. Now im on Pristiq, and ive been on it for probably 4 years now, its not as good as the cymbalta, and im still not some happy chipper upbeat person, but i dont think any amount of medication can turn me into that lol.

I'm on cymbalta now :) its alright but sometimes I forget them and can't remember if I took them or not. I've always been a forgetful person and I just miss some blanks or parts when i try to remember. I don't know if any of this have to do something with this depression.

I'll try to to explain it to my boyfriend. Or maybe write him a letter. When I talk i tend to forget the stuff i really needed to say and then later i think about what I should have said instead.

Thank you for talking about this :) I tried going to psychiatrists, therapists,... But I never felt 'safe' with them. It helps me more to talk to people with the same 'problem' or other mental health issues.

Have you tried getting a weekly pill box thing? That way you could see if you took it or not? I used to use them, if your on ambien for sleep that can mess with your memory, im on that too lol

Letters! I love letters, those always seem to work better IMO when discussing things, because it allows you to get your wording perfect and then the person cant interrupt you and get you off track.

My mom used to take me to therapists when i was younger, but i felt the same way, i kept feeling like they just wanted to tell me what my problems were instead of actually listening to me. I find subeta is a good place to talk to people because they dont know you and can provide an un-biased opinion.

first, i just wanna say your avatar is extremely cute. BUT to be on topic, do you have anything that triggers the depression? sadly, i'm not educated enough with borderline, but if you could explain, i'm sure i can hopefully help out.

i've had depression for about.. 6 years or so. people say it's genetic, but i believe it's a product of your surroundings.

how does your day go? what do you usually do on a daily basis? is there anything that makes it calm down, or makes it worse?

Thanks :3 I like everything about mythologies and witches and so on :) (Also the reason why I got a Vegvisir tatooed and it's my new username :D)

Well, I always felt a kind of lonely. Even when I was with friends I felt always like an outcast. But what for me really was a big trigger was university. I switched between 3 different studies in a year. Finally I found something I felt good with, Animal Care, but it was so ridiculously hard. I really wanted to pass to the next year but I just couldn't. I was dealing with a sleeping problem aswell. I was in love with a girl who had her own mental problems and I guess we just made each other worse. I think at some days I didn't even sleep at night or maybe 2 hours. I then slept during the day when I got back from uni. But it's been years now since we even spoke to each other. My current boyfriend really took care of me and together with cymbalta I feel really well. I have some hard days or a week when I just want to quit everything, even life. But then after a week I feel so happy like i can conquer the world.

For now I only work two days a week. 16 hours. So my free time is basically caring for my dog, meeting my mom, searching for a fulltime job and a house. I used to cut myself. That was absolutely THE BEST cure for me when I was sad. I wasn't planning on stopping but I felt ashamed and when I got together with my boyfriend he begged me to stop. So I did for him. Now, I have nothing that can calm me down. I really just sit and wait it out. But on the inside I feel like i could bang my head against the wall. Sometimes sex helps, but sometimes i could also cry after we're done for no reason. My parents are definitely number one on the list that can make things worse. I absolutely adore them. I would do anything for them and love them unconditionally. But they can really "press my ON button" if you know what I mean.

- With your parents, are you able to avoid major personal topics? From my experience, when dealing with a family that pushes your depression buttons, it's best to avoid opening up to them. Also, having an object you can carry around or hold in a bag, like a stuffed animal, stress ball, or a stone, can be very helpful to managing your feelings.

I'll share a bit of my story with you.

I've been depressed for at least 10 years now. I was on several medications over a few years, but had to drop all of them because I got Serotonin Syndrome. I was overmedicated... both the ER and the psychiatrist failed to help me. So, I did a bunch of research and took my health into my own hands. I had to detox and use all the skills I've learned over the last few years with various therapists and on my own to get used to a life without meds. While I'm feeling better than ever, I still have some depression... mainly due to where I live. To keep the depression at bay, I've been working out and been eating even better than I was before.

Though, with the med withdrawal, I occasionally feel like I'm having Serotonin Syndrome symptoms again. I think I have some PTSD with that since it was traumatic to me, but I feel like no therapist really understands what it is. Some nights, I can't sleep until 3 am, because if I try to sleep earlier, I'll wake up suddenly because I felt like I was going to lose consciousness again.

- I can attest to your statement about depression being a product of your surroundings. While depression runs in my biological family, it's where I live that really causes the majority of my negative thoughts to pop up. I live with parents that I don't like and treat me like I'm a worthless failure. Whenever I get the chance to spend the night elsewhere (which is nearly never), I feel like a huge weight is gone.

Sadly, my fiance and I can't afford to move out at the moment. I can't find a job and I don't even think I can hold down a job well because of how much I question things and how I challenge my bosses often. So, while we're thinking of starting our own business, I lose motivation a lot of days because of the depression. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break out of no matter how hard I try... I have moved out a few times, but those times failed due to unpreparedness and a stupid ex.

are you on anything currently or in the past for this depression? and have you been medically diagnosed depressed? i totally feel you, i do. i just wonder if there is more to it. not saying that's bad, i just want you to get the help you need. i've always felt like an outcast as well, i still do in the most ridiculous situations. like, i'm going to add you because i would love to have someone that knows my struggle and we can tell each other things, if you're comfortable with that.

i've learned taking care of yourself before anyone else is such a big concept. like, do something once a day that makes you feel good, and go along your day; you're mood and feelings will be a lot more bright. for example, i enjoy warm baths or relaxing with my dog. if i can do one of those things in a day, i feel so much better.

i'm so sorry to hear about your depression as well. life is really tough. i heard a saying, "do you know the different between pain and suffering? pain is what you're going to have with the rest of your life. pain is when you hit your hand hard, or someone hurts you. suffering is the choice of having that pain affect your life". when i heard that, my whole view turned around because i honestly feel that is so true.

I'm so sorry to hear it was traumatic for you :/ I never believed in medication. Even the medication I have now does help me, I do prefer natural treatments. I'm searching for a trustable herbalist in my province. But it's hard for me to trust people. And strange enough. I do prefer meeting people online then in real life. (Subeta helped me a lot aswell actually. I have a pet I constantly change and rewrite it's story to what I feel at that moment.)

I read your part to Witchcraft and I had trouble finding work aswell. I've dropped out of uni and was searching for work for a year. Nobody wanter to hore me because I had no experience in anything, I had black & blue hair and some facial piercings. But even when I dressed 'normal' nobody wanted me. My boyfriend talked to his boss a lot about me and in the end he hired me to help us move out. I'm now searching for a full time job but still nobody wants me... I think a full time job won't do any good to my depression. But I really need money to take of my dog, my boyfriend and myself. My boyfriend earns well but I want to be independant and I want him to be proud of me. So I feel like i'm always between two fires.

I went to the hospital to get diagnosed. I told them I felt Bipolar-ish. My girlfriend at that time told me I was schizofrenic. But they told me I just had a severe or clinical depression. They wanted me to start therapy, but i refused to do that. They also didn't want to give me any medicines at all. I only got them from my house doctor. I can't remember how but I went to see someone at a psychiatric hospital and there they told me a lot of my symptones sounded like borderline. She send my to a specialist and she said after 10min talking that I had borderline. For that 10min talk it was 70 euros. I hated her because i felt she didn't even listen and I coulnd't afford it to spend multiple times a week 70€ to a 10min talk. So now I seek help in my puppy and boyfriend and the medication i get from my doctor.

Ofcourse I'm comfortable with that! I love to talk to people with their own problems. Then we don't feel so alone in the world, even we might have other variants of the problem. :) Yeah... My pup is now old enough to go to puppy classes and it's so amazing to watch her grow physically and mentally. IT's amazing that such animals can love you unconditionally.

i see, i see. with me it's a little different. i went to my primary care doctor, and she's into internal medicine. they first referred me to go to therapy and other doctors, but i did not have insurance that covered any of it, so i could not afford it. plus, i had such a busy work schedule along with school, so i just turned it down. i never got "diagnosed" because my doctor i guess wasn't the correct person to do it. i think i have depression, with bi-polar as well, because i snap on a dime. i'm taking medicine currently thats meant for "depression and anxiety" because i use to have really bad anxiety, but gladly i'm getting to deal with that by myself, and i feel like i'm getting better.

maybe once my life gets situated, and i'm in a good financial spot, maybe i'll do the treatments. plus, i'm super scared i'm gonna go to the hospital or something, and they are going to write "INSANE" on my chart and put me in in a loony bin, i don't know; i think that's just a personal fear lol

That's EXACTLY what I thought two years ago aswell. I really wanted to get help but on the other side I was scared theu were going to keep me there. I've always been scared of hospitals.

Do you also feel like you're carrying something with you? I did have a feeling like i was carrying a demon with me on my back/shoulder. Something dark without a face.

honestly, i feel different every other day. one day i'll be super optimistic about life, and then the next i want to quit my job and school and literally kill myself lol. i have really bad anger too, so when i snap, it's bad.

Yeah I do snap a lot aswell but only because little dumb things annoy pretty quick and as much as I can like a person I hate dumb questions or question they've asked me a hundred times before.

I had that some years ago like you. My mood depended on with what leg i got out of bed first. But now I need something to get optimistic. Today I went to puppy classes with my pup and my mom with her pup and at the end we were about 20 meters apart. The teacher went to my mom after we finished and asked her if I didn't like the lessons because I did very well but I didn't smile or anything. (She told me after puppy class) But It's just that i'm doubting everything I did and selfcritize a lot

- That quote... It makes so much sense. It's something I've been trying my hardest to apply in my life.

If I just allow my misfortunes to win, I'll never be able to get out of my situation and my depression will get worse. Even though it's hard at times, I've been playing games or watching something funny when I felt down. It works! And then, I have motivation to either have fun or get stuff done the rest of the day. :3

- I wonder if you'll be able to find an herbalist that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. I wonder if you can find an online one? I was thinking about going to a natural doctor, but they're very rare here and I'm pretty sure my insurance doesn't cover them. I've kind of become my own natural doctor. XD

I'm with you on the lack of trust. I just feel like the majority of doctors are there to push whatever medication they get paid to prescribe onto their patients. I did have a good primary doctor for almost 10 years, but he's at least in his 70's now and I didn't want to stay with the same doctor as my biological family. But, since then, I've had no good luck with doctors in general. I also miss my first therapist, but my insurance doesn't' cover him.

Work is way too difficult to find nowadays. In terms of full-time work, I've not been able to find any except in offices. And yeah, too many hiring managers are judgmental on looks. They have this mindset that only people that look like the typical business interviewee are the only ones that will do good in a job. And, I have to keep reminding myself that it's not me that's a failure at interviews... it's them being judgmental or taking someone one of their employees know.

Have you gone to school? Getting a technical certificate might be a good path to take as it'll help with jobs. It should also be better than having a full time job that would make you miserable.

so i went to the hospital today because of a terrible anxiety attack...

yup, I have a high school diploma in Office/Foreign languages

Oh no! :( How did it happen?

so i'm not sure if i have said, but i've been on depression/anxiety meds for a couple years now and they work amazing for me. my insurance canceled on me recently, and i was unable to go to the doctor to get a refill. anyways, i've been off of them for about two months or so. i've just been so sad with everything, and just want to give up on everything. (example: i just got a new job that i absolutely love, but when i get into these "moods" i want to quit everything). anyways, i was driving to work, and i called my mom just because i haven't talked to her in a week. i started talking to her, and i literally started bawling my eyes out and screaming. why i went off like that? i have no idea. so i went to the hospital, they did labs and nothing was wrong. behavioral services came and talked to me and i just told them how i've been feeling recently. it felt like they didn't understand. i asked them if they could give me a prescription of the medicine i was on, and they said no problem. they come back in after like 4 hours, and gave me a prescription only for anxiety. when anxiety isn't even the main problem. i'm so done with these doctors treating me like there is nothing wrong. i was terrified they were going to admit me though.

Lol. They are incredible. Ok, they might have a lot of people to care for but hey. They're dealing with mental health. I understand your position very very well. It's enough to have an other attack -__- I'm so fed up right now. Ugh.

How are you today? It's been two days since